A few days ago, I was stumped when Alycia said this to me the moment she sat down at the dining table to start eating her lunch.
“mummy, can you please not say anything and let me eat in peace? Don’t say anything from now until after my nap ok?“ I asked her if I was “destroying her peace” when I talk to her and she felt bad and smiled. I was really disappointed. I know she does not like me to ask her what she did in school for I will always advice her not to buy unnecessary things from the book shop and junk food from the canteen. I know that she also does not like me to ask her how she fared in her spelling, ejaan and ting xie. She has always been doing pretty well academically but at times, she will show me some shocking marks when she had forgotten to practice her weekly language tests. In another scenario last week, she said the same heart-wrenching words to me. That night, Alycia, Sherilyn and daddy went to Tony Roma’s to have supper while Baby, the helper and I went groceries shopping at Jusco. When I joined them at Tony Roma’s after shopping, Alycia said this to me “mummy, we were all enjoying ourselves until you came!”. I had to ask her again what she had said as I just did not believe what I had heard. I felt like I had been slapped and jilted by someone I love very much. I know that she does not like me to ask her if she has drank enough water, if she has eaten any deep fried food, if she has asked her daddy (the ever yes man who would rarely say NO to his angels’ whims and fancies) to buy them everything under the sky, etc. Alycia just does not like her mummy to ‘rob’ a piece of her happiness and time of her life just when she is enjoying them. But being a mother, of course I am concerned. If I do not care and allowed her to do as she wishes and eat as she wishes, she may land herself in some trouble and fall ill frequently. She was once the weakest 3YO and 4YO I had ever seen. Perhaps she treats those advices as nags. If so, then she is so going to hate me infinitely as she is so going to get a piece of my mind to ‘destroy her peace’ as she goes through each different phase of her life. Perhaps this is pay-back time for me?
Ironically, rascal #2 who often clashes with me will always give me a warm and tight hug and scream “MUMMY” to welcome me each time we meet after a period of ‘separation’ or say good-bye. Alycia hardly does that to me, though I don’t scold her as much as Sherilyn. Last night, the hubs and I brought only Baby to Ikea as I had to claim my RM150 cash voucher before it expires in a day. Alycia and Sherilyn could not follow us as they have to get up very early for school today. When we were leaving the house, Sherilyn gave me a big hug and said some sweet nice things to me, which always melts my heart. But Alycia never does that to me. I am really dumb-founded by these opposite reactions I get from Alycia and Sherilyn. Does anyone have kids who stump you like this too? I feel lost now. Do I remain quiet and don’t say anything negative to my super sensitive Alycia to gain her ‘likes’ ? This girl can get teary-eyed very easily and I don’t even have to raise my voice to make her eyes teary! With Sherilyn, she is the exact opposite. Even with whips that leave marks on her hands, she would not cry at times but she forgets and forgives very easily and is more generous with her hugs with me. She is more open and the least sensitive to comments and critics about her.
No. of times viewed = 401
Tough one and those words must hurt. Is it possible to have one on one time with her and have a heart to heart chat? Maybe she’s not feeling the love as much and as you said feels like you’re nagging her when you’re showing your love and concern for her. I know your schedule is tight, maybe allocate some weekly one on one time with her, just a walk around the block (as you like to exercise) or take her out for coffee/ice cream on your own or just lie with her just b4 bedtime. My oldest is a sensitive girl, and feels that I spend too much time with Caitlin instead of her. So I try to devote time to her alone – going for a bike ride, shopping, watching a movie or just lying in bed with her just b4 sleep time and hv a girlie chat. Now tht Ashleigh is older, we also give each other a pedicure or manicure. I will also tell Caitlin that this time is for Ash. And I do the same with Caitlin too. It’s tough being a Mom.
I can feel you, Shireen.. Me too, Too anxious to find out how he fares in school and can’t wait to start asking the moment he gets into the car… How’s your day? Anything special happened today that u wanna share with mommy? The typical answers I get: nothing special or I dont’ feel like talking about it now and gives me that exhausted look. The time when he starts sharing what happens in school is when after having his meal and shower. He usually starts with.. Oh, ya, forgot to tell you, mommy, today hor………………..
It may not be true that she doesn’t want to share what happens in school with you, just that she is too exhausted from waking up early and the workload at school that her brain just refuses to work. Try to approach her after her nap as she has suggested. Being a mom is never easy and we can never quit being one!
it is not easy to be a mother… we wanted soo much to make sure our kids are well and sometimes kids feel differently….
maybe try to talk to her when she is more confortable..after meal and shower?
this doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.. I am sure deep in her heart, she loves you a lot…
Your two girls with totally different characters. My two girls also have totally different characters. I suggest you find a good time to talk it out with Alycia. Just tell her that sometimes you felt hurt by her words and explain to her you are very concerned of her. I am sure she will understand you better.
Same thing with my number 1 and 2. Kids are innocent so they say things straight out of their heads. They are not diplomatic and hence, completely honest with their feelings. It’s a good thing that she still expresses her feelings with you, though it may hurt you in the process. Perhaps you should explain to her why you do what you need to do. But probably you cannot expect her to understand. Didn’t you feel that at some points in your life, your parents were being restrictive? And only came to realise what they did when you were a parent yourself? Don’t feel dejected by Alycia’s comments. Be grateful that she is still able to tell you her feelings instead of clamming up. It’s a circle of life 🙂
Thanks all for the comforting words 🙂
I understand how you feel because my only child said the same thing to me. It hurts. A lot. As a mom, I want to find out how she does in school and I constantly ask her if she finished her food, drank her water, change her clothes, etc. That’s nagging to her and she doesn’t like it. I also don’t know how to deal with it and and after reading the many great advices above, I know now. Hope things will improve for us 🙂
Hei..Never easy to be parents but take comfort that they would one day understand the love and care that you have so unconditionally showered on them. By the way, a Very Happy Chinese New Year to you and your angels….:)
My one cent’s worth here….sure the kids will have more fun with dad, but when they are sick or upset, who do they go to? Motherhood is a tough gig; very often misunderstood and misread. As Alicia gets older, she is likely to want more independence or autonomy in her life. Respect that. It is very difficult to want to do or make your kid do what u think is best for them, and they think differently. Sometimes we have to learn to care from afar. Focus less on food intake/ schoolwork etc as it will seem like nagging for her. Ask abt friends or what they did at recess etc. She may feel less pressure that way.
Here’s another approach I took with the kids if they were planning to do something dumb: I’d say “Go ahead” if that’s what u think is smart to do, but if u get hurt, u have to tell the ambulance paramedics and the Emergency Rm doctor what u did cos I won’t be the one to tell them!! I think the thought of the embarrasment deterred them.
Carry on being a mum! Wait till they become teenagers and boys get into the picture! heehee
Barb, I guess most kids don’t like such advices which seem like nags to them, me inclusive when I was younger!
Chris, shall try your approach, tks for the tips!
I hope that things will be better during this festive season. Pray for your child and ask God to intervene. Take care… and don’t give up.
hi there,
if this is of any comfort to you….Nic and Law would giggle and pretend all is well whenever I smell rat…(ie. ate big fat serving of ice cream…or deep fried food…etc without telling me).
Nic is probably slightly better….whenever I ask if she has any homework, she would give a standard answer ” No, OR Yes but I will do it tomorrow morning!”…..hence, I have given up asking her now…but she knows the consequences well enough….heehee
i also get that now and then from RL. its no surprises that hubs is the fun one and mummy is the monster at home. RL is also sensitive and will tear and lately, she has learnt how to use words againts me, badly. i’ve decided not to yell at her when i’m angry but remain silent. coz my fire will only add to her fire. i feel them being girls, they will cherish us more when they become mothers themselves. i was also rude to my mom in my younger days and always hated the nagging, and now i know why she nags. lol! hang in there….it’s a learning cycle for us all. she will read this post one day and will probably tear.
Oi Leng, I guess all dads are portrayed as the goodie and mums the baddie. Alycia is quite disciplined in terms of doing her homework from school as she knows the consequences if she does not. She just does not like being told what to do and what not to do. After reading all the advices here, I think I shd just mellow down a wee bit and allow her a little freedom, while not allowing her to over enjoy her freedom.
Syn, oh yea talk about our younger days. What you said is so true. That’s why after reading all the comments here, I am now trying to ease out and relax a bit and not nag too much, lest she sees only a nagger in her mummy. Sigh, it’s so hard to be a good mum!
“oh.. it hurt my feeling so badly…” ” you know I love you very much, and to hear you talk to me like that really broken my heart…” and start crying… 🙁
Since she is so honest with you… you might as well be honest with her… did you give her as much hugs and kisses as no.2 and 3?
Perhaps this is the stage that most teenagers will go through…
I can feel your hurt. And I agreed with the others. Kinda rude honestly to talk to mummy like that. It’s the best to tell her that kind of words are not good and hurtful, just think the opposite way when you’re saying that to her.
hey shireen, i think almost all mothers are with you. we all face the same issue in different phase of the kids’ life….the more i read yours, the more it reflects on me coz that’s exactly what i asked my boys everyday. i can almost instantly feel their annoyance but i just couldn’t find a topic to start a conversation at times. guess it came naturally as a mom. so after much failure creating a productive conversation with them, i’ve since tone down the naggings & try to bring myself down to their boys’ stories…. asking abt the games, fights & naughty talks among their circle of friends. And that probably motivate them to talk more. and both my twins r very different in terms of expression of love too. Sean never likes to hug, cuddle or kiss since he was bare 5 and most of the time, he does it bcoz he wanted to follow his twin brother. on the oth hand, scot still enjoy my hugs n kisses even at 10 now. this naturally draw me closer to him….sigh. so we hv to tackle them differently lor, what to do, even twins also r different human being…that’s what i usually tell people.
guess, u hv gathered enough advices now….time to practise & hope for an improvement, good luck ya 😀